now i know why i became what i already was.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
