I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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