chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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