dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Less talking, more tequila
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize