I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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