When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
