She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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