i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
