Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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