he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize