How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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