my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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