I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
