i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
