I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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