I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize