Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
