On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
