I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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