I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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