She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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