My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
