i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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