It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
