were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
