My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
