My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
