I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Are we still banned from the library?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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