She is in my trunk
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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