Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
