I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
