after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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