he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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