Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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