I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
