walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
