I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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