I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
