i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
