Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
