I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
