I am in a vortex of obligation.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
