Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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