someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dignity is for republicans.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
