If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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