Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
