so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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