did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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