I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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