before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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