I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
