I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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