Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
