I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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