The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
