too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
