I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize