My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
