I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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