So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
