Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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